How Anxiety Moves In With A Relationship Bully

“Hello and Welcome to Episode 42 of ‘Tuesday Choose Day’, my inspirational weekly post.

My aim here is to inspire you to feel more positive and more confident within yourself so you can find your way to overcome anxiety and create the change you want to happen in your life.”  I’m offering you here every Tuesday straight to your inbox empowering strategies to help you to take control, feel better and feel good!


Today’s Inspiration To Brighten Your Day…

All healthy relationships are based on mutual trust and respect.  Within a healthy relationship, you and your partner feel free to be yourselves, to grow into your best selves, feeling the support and nurturing of your other half.

How do you recognize when your relationship is turning sour?

Over time, the easy sense of security within a healthy relationship can become abused when one person in the relationship begins to need to take control and become dominant.

This need to take control often happens because one of you feels less secure.  Often if one of you is growing quicker than the other, it can create fear that he or she might be left behind. It can seem to that person that the best way to regain their power is by attempting to take control and to rob you of yours!


If you are feeling low in your relationship and negative about yourself

it may be that your relationship has become unhealthy in some way.  If as you read this you are wondering ‘Is this me?’ It might help you to ask yourself these questions…

  • How much am I expected to ‘drop everything’ and re-organize my priorities so that their demands come first?
  • Do they criticize and question what I wear, what I do, my friends?
  • Do they deny me space and time for myself? Can I honestly say my time is my own?
  • Is my privacy respected? Do they expect to read or listen to my messages, emails, bank statements, my post?
  • Am I at the butt of their jokes when we are out together with friends? When did I last feel ridiculed or belittled?
  • Are my feelings and opinions dismissed? Do they expect me to see things from their point of view?  Am I told ‘I’m wrong’ often or that ‘I always want to be right?’
  • If you call them on this, do they laugh it off perhaps, telling you it’s ‘you who is taking it the wrong way’ or that you are ‘too sensitive?’
  • Do you feel that they pity you? Look down on you? Judge you?   Perhaps you are getting the message in an unspoken way that you don’t measure up?


So how can you help yourself to feel stronger in your relationship?

Somewhere along the way in your relationship, you made a decision to settle for less love and respect, less kindness and less consideration.  Don’t settle for less than a mutually loving and respectful relationship.  Decide for yourself that you need to put your emotional needs first.

Here’s how…

Don’t brush off their behaviour and make excuses for it.  There is no excuse.

Re-set your boundaries.  Stand your ground calmly and firmly without aggression and let your partner know that you will no longer accept any jibes or put downs, or other controlling behaviour.

If there are certain things your partner tends to do or say, prepare ahead of time and think of how you will respond to make it clear their behaviour towards you or their criticism of you is no longer acceptable to you.

Whenever you can, walk away from the situation (visit the bathroom or walk out into the garden if you are inside).  It will break the intensity for you and help you to see the dysfunction in what’s happening.

Don’t make your happiness dependent on how they feel.  Realize that it is not your responsibility to keep them happy.  Choose to be happy for yourself.

Take some time to be kind to yourself.  It is likely that your partner has been able to put you down because you tend to criticize yourself harshly anyway.  Try to stop criticizing yourself.  Chances are you are doing a better job at most things and are a better person than you give yourself credit for.


Confide in someone and talk things through.

It will help you to gain some insight and perspective.  Awareness is power and taking steps to regain your power will build your self-esteem and help you to decide whether to stay on healthier terms, or to leave and find yourself a more loving and supportive partner.

If you need my help and support, I’m right here.


Next time, I’ll be sharing my thoughts to help you with bullying from friends and family.

Until then,

With love and light x

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Lisa Skeffington, Anxiety Expert – Anxiety Help Bournemouth

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