“Hello and Welcome to Episode 29 of ‘Tuesday Choose Day’, my inspirational weekly post.
My aim here is to inspire you to feel more positive and more confident within yourself so you can find your way to overcome anxiety and create the change you want to happen in your life.” I’m offering you here every Tuesday straight to your inbox empowering strategies to help you to take control, feel better and feel good!
Today’s Inspiration To Brighten Your Day…
I wonder if you see yourself as an ‘I CAN’ or an ‘I CAN’T’ type of person? If you struggle with anxiety, you will at times be an ‘I CAN’T’ person for sure. An ‘I CAN’T’ mindset means you probably doubt yourself and your abilities a lot and generally look to others to be there for you for reassurance. Perhaps you’ve cut back on doing things for yourself and you find yourself calling on someone else close to you who is ‘more capable’ to do it for you?
On the other hand, if you are an ‘I CAN’ type of person, then little phases you and you’ll likely enjoy taking the lead, and even ‘rescuing’ others in their needful ‘I CAN’T’ way of approaching things.
The question here is… ‘how does an ‘I CAN’T’ person become an ‘I CAN’ person? A lovely client recently said this to me, which summed up how she was feeling “I AM AN I CAN’T PERSON AND I NEED TO BE AN I CAN PERSON.”
An I CAN person can often perpetuate an ‘I CAN’T mindset and diminish confidence still further. The ‘I CAN’T’ person may be well meaning in providing, helping, or fixing but this undermines the ability of the ‘I CAN’T’ person. The reality is, in doing things for them, the ‘I CAN’ person is overprotecting, overwhelming and over caring.
Of course, it is possible that the ‘I CAN’ person is secretly insecure and perhaps needs to prove to themselves and to others that they are capable, they can sort it, they can help. In essence what is happening in this circumstance is that the ‘I CAN’ person assumes an authority role, which places the ‘I CAN’T’ person in an inferior role; a bit like a domineering parent to a child. Such behaviour often extends out in to a broader dynamic in the relationship. Often this creates a parent-child style of communication on both sides.
So how do you grow from an ‘I CAN’T’ person into an ‘I CAN’ person?
Firstly, you need to realize the role you have gotten yourself into. It’s great to have ‘I CAN’ people in your life, but not to the extent that you become so comfortable with letting others do things for you. This may eventually come back to bite you, because one day you’ll want or need to do stuff for yourself and you won’t know how to.
Ask the ‘I CAN’ person in your life to show you HOW to do it and NOT to do it for you. Get them to teach you, so you can grow your confidence and strengthen your independence. In this way, you’ll be equipping yourself to help yourself.
Begin to set yourself small challenges and affirm for yourself that you ‘CAN’ do it. If it feels scary, just chunk it smaller.
It’s a great idea to keep a log of your achievements, no matter how small, so you can remind yourself of what you can do when you think you can’t. It will help you to see that what you thought you couldn’t do before, you will know you can. What you doubt you can do today, will become just another example of what you thought you couldn’t do, but very soon you’ll know you can.
Until next time
With love and light
Lisa x
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From the Wobbles and Worries Mailbox…
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You can read a selection of past questions answered here too.
Lisa Skeffington, Anxiety Expert – Anxiety Help Bournemouth