“Hello and Welcome to Episode 12 of ‘Tuesday Choose Day’, my new inspirational weekly post.
My aim here is to inspire you to feel more positive and more confident within yourself to create the change you want to happen in your life.” I’m offering you here a healthy dose of positivity and fun every Tuesday straight to your inbox.
Today’s Inspiration To Brighten Your Day…
Recently I helped someone whose relationship was struggling. His partner had distanced herself both physically and emotionally. It’s natural when someone pulls away from us to want to do whatever we can, to try to pull them back. However, like anything the more you chase, the more that something or someone alludes you and the more unattractive your offer may seem. You may end up feeling exhausted, desperate, confused and hurt. When you feel this way, it’s easy to get angry and blame others.
Being ‘needy’ is an expression that’s not particularly flattering. It refers to someone having an extreme need for validation for love and affection. If you are described as ‘needy’ it might be that others see you as someone who is constantly reaching out to others, looking for love, acceptance and appreciation.
So how does ‘neediness’ come about?
It is likely that someone of influence in your life at some time did not seem to ‘want you or did not love, or accept or appreciate you. If this void never got filled, you will constantly seek out people and circumstance to fill that emptiness for you.
Of course, you may not be aware that you do this because this is driven by an innate subconscious need to heal an emotional wound that is keeping you off balance in some way. The subconscious is always working benevolently for you and will always seek out what you need even if you don’t know it consciously. This searching creates tension and can grow to develop an urgency which creates anxiety. The more you chase, the more you feel you need to and, the more anxiety you suffer.
And how can you stop being ‘needy’ and feel more self assured and calm?
- When you are needy, you are directing your focus outwards and needing others to give you what you need so that you feel loved and whole. In the same way, if others don’t meet that need for you and you get angry, you may blame others because you are looking ‘out’ rather than ‘in’ for the cause of the problem.
- Effective psychotherapy and dynamic hypnotherapy will help you to heal past hurts of a younger self so that you can bring your attention more fully into the present.
- Learn to love yourself first, before anyone else in your life. Compliment yourself, be kind to yourself, encourage and support yourself on a daily basis. This will boost your self esteem and you will feel better about yourself.
- Inside every adult is a little child – your younger self who never went away. You just grew that’s all. If there are painful experiences that never got healed – a bit like a wound that can’t heal if there’s dirt – your younger self can not grow past that hurt. It might just be that your younger self needs a hug, a reassuring smile and a kind word. So allow yourself to develop a bond of love with that child and you will deepen your self love.
- When you love yourself enough, your younger self is never alone and you no longer ‘need’ the love outside to the same extent. It’s a wonderful precious thing to have others love you in your life, but when you love yourself enough, there is no longer a desperate need to receive love, attention, affection and appreciation from others.
When you stop needing love on the outside, and you become a ‘rock’ for yourself within, ironically love tends to flow more to you and friendships flourish because your energy and inner confidence has shifted for the better.
Until next time
With love and light x
Do you feel powerless, anxious and overwhelmed to make change happen in your life? I’d like to offer you an immediate opportunity to take a break from your stresses and anxieties. CLICK TO DOWNLOAD my FREE De-Stress Audio.
From the Wobbles and Worries Mailbox…
“My friend is overburdening me with her problems and I feel like I am her counsellor not her friend. She offloads all her problems on me and lately never has anything positive to say or asks how I am doing.
We’ve always been there for each other in the past but now our friendship has become very one sided and I am finding it such a drain on my energy that I am starting to dread seeing her. I don’t want to lose her but how I can get her to see what’s she doing before it ruins our friendship?”
A summary of my advice…
Your friend clearly has issues right now and needs someone to talk to. How would she describe you to others I wonder? My good friend is always there for me, she is someone I can confide in and she always listens to me however long I go on.. The point I want to make here is that you are allowing her to treat you this way by being available to listen to her whenever she wants you to. Cut back on your time availability for a while. Make her aware of the time limit when you meet up or speak on the phone and make it clear that it’s a catch up for both of you and that you have some things to share with her too. You could gently remind her half way through your time together that there are things you’d like to say too and that you are both running out of time. She may not be aware of how intensely she talks to you and this may create an opportunity for her to realise.
If you have all the answers to her problems, she will continue to use you as her advisor, so be more vague in your responses. Talk to your friend and let her know that you want what’s best for her, explain how you feel powerless to help her solve her problems and suggest that it would perhaps help her to talk to a professional listening ear. Take stock of your friendship – what are your expectations of this friendship and how does it benefit you? Do the benefits outweigh your friend’s need to offload? Friendships satisfy different needs and these needs change over time. If the friendship benefits you and you don’t want to lose her, you may have to accept the limitations of this friendship and look elsewhere for other friends who will be there for you.
If you’d like my advice with your particular wobble or worry, simply click on the link here
Lisa Skeffington, Anxiety Expert – Anxiety Help Bournemouth