“Hello and Welcome to Episode 22 of ‘Tuesday Choose Day’, my inspirational weekly post.
My aim here is to inspire you to feel more positive and more confident within yourself to create the change you want to happen in your life.” I’m offering you here a healthy dose of positivity and fun every Tuesday straight to your inbox.
Today’s Inspiration To Brighten Your Day…
What To Do When It’s Fear And Not Love That Makes You Want To Stay
If you are perhaps feeling stuck in a relationship that no longer seems to ‘fit’ with you, then maybe you have a secret yet seemingly unobtainable yearning to free yourself and start over….
When you are in love, you gloss over your partner’s faults – you either accept them or you don’t even see them there. Yet when you fall out of love, that is to say you feel conveniently attached but not in love, those little things begin to grate. The more stifled you feel, the more you will find yourself irritated to the point where even your partner’s breathing, eating or laughing can drive you to the edge and leave you feeling trapped and tortured by your own inability to take the right action for you and force a change.
It might be that you have already tried some professional help to get re-connected or to resolve differences and incompatibilities with your partner. Maybe you have been trying for years again and again to work things out and you find yourself now exasperated that nothing really changes? Perhaps you just know that your heart or your partner’s isn’t really in it….
I wonder if you are one of the many people (women especially) who is staying in a relationship that no longer fulfils you nor helps you to grow? Perhaps you are wincing as you read this? Perhaps you stay out of duty, out of loyalty to your family ‘unit’ but the chances are the deeper reason you are staying is because you are afraid… You fear either being alone after so many years together or, you fear that you won’t be able to financially support yourself in a ‘lesser’ financially secure life.
If this is you and your self worth is quietly drying up, I’m guessing you are no longer feeling loved by that special person you hoped and believed would be the one to cherish you forever. Your inability right now to take action is merely confirming your erroneous belief that you are worthless and powerless. This is after all how you always justify staying?… Right? WRONG!!
So what can you do when it is fear and not love that makes you want to stay?
- Accept the situation for what it is
Don’t pretend it’s something it’s not. Chances are you’ve been kidding yourself far too long already.
- Boost your confidence
Create a log of all your achievements, no matter how small or insignificant they might seem. Detail all the talents skills and resources you have developed and used over the years. You will see a pattern repeating. You are more capable than you believe. This vital info will also be useful in finding a job that suits you best and plays to your strengths.
- Ask for feedback
Subtly begin to get feedback from your family and friends – what do they like and love about you? What do you they admire in you? How do you enrich their lives? If you’re not feeling loved and valued in your relationship and haven’t been for some time, it will be easy to dismiss what they tell you – don’t! How others see us is often different to how we see ourselves. Ask them to give you reasons for what they say. Just because you are not feeling valued right now does not mean you cannot learn to value yourself again or that a special someone will not value you in the future. Have faith. Accept this feedback as a gift of kindness to you, to boost your self-esteem and create hope for the future.
- Get specific and list your fears
Decide which of these specific fears are rational and which are irrational. Look at the evidence in reality to decide. With those rational fears, get pro-active and look at what else you might do to tackle them. Check in with yourself and scrutinise whether they are as big a problem as you see them. With those irrational fears, ask yourself what you are believing about yourself or the situation that is supporting that fear. Consider other times when you thought irrationally and you were proved wrong. Might any particular fear now be another example of a mistaken belief. Aim to rationalise those fears and talk yourself down with any evidence of how you have coped in the past.
- Look practically at how you might support yourself financially
Take action now to find a job, start to put some money away, enrol in a course of study to retrain in your career. Consider getting some confidential legal advice if your situation is tricky. An initial consultation is often free or at low cost. Research where you might live and what it might cost. Knowledge is power – get yourself informed.
- Imagine your life five or ten years on from now
Maybe your children will have grown up and left home and you will possibly fear that it’s too late to start again… how will you feel then knowing that there is no option for you now but to live the rest of your life unfulfilled, bored and feeling unworthy and unloved. Don’t let fear lead you to live a life filled with regret. Change happens when we take a dream and make it real by adding a time related plan.
- Imagine how happy you could be instead
Dare to dream. How do you really want your life to be different and better. Only you can make it happen. Imagine yourself just the person you always wanted to be… living a life that is true to yourself and feeling free? Hold onto this feeling and use it to help you to find your courage.
Until next time
With love and light
Do you feel powerless, anxious and overwhelmed to make change happen in your life? I’d like to offer you an immediate opportunity to take a break from your stresses and anxieties. CLICK TO DOWNLOAD my FREE De-Stress Audio.
From the Wobbles and Worries Mailbox…
“My sister died two years ago, we were very close. I’m 42 now and I never knew until recently that I was adopted but always felt my mother never loved me as much as my sister. Now it makes sense. Mum had always been more distant with me, has always been critical of me and she rarely tells me she loves me. Since my sister died she has become even more distant – especially if I reach out to touch her, she pulls away. I feel very hurt and very alone. I just want to be closer to my mum at this time. How can I make her accept me?
A summary of my advice…
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I sense you are still grieving for your sister and that your mum is too. Your mum is trying to come to terms with her loss and the thought perhaps of being close with you may well be emphasising the pain of her loss. Try not to take it personally – easier said than done I get that – but her distance is likely to be her way of trying to ease her pain. Some grief counselling would be helpful here in aiding your mum to work through her loss and to appreciate your love for her still very much in her life now.
Seeing your mum demonstrating her love through grief for your late sister is reflecting to you how you feel loved less by her and it is understandable that you want her to love you the same. Give your mum some space and time, if she wants it, to work through the process of grieving and surround yourself with friends who make you feel good about yourself. Allow yourself to grieve too – you have lost a formidable ally in life.
When the time feels right, you might wish to talk to your mum and let her know you feel shunned by her in case she is acting at times without thinking. You may have to come to terms though, with the possibility that your mum’s inadequacies in perspective may not change.
You say you feel loved less than your sister and you want your mum to accept you. I wonder did you perhaps feel that you lived in your sister’s shadow to some extent? That she was perhaps more worthy of love from your mum in her qualities or in her achievements? If this resonates with you, building your self esteem will help you to feel less need for parental approval and more valued within yourself for the wonderful person I’m sure you are.
If you’d like my advice with your particular wobble or worry, simply click on the link here
If you need a little encouragement to be brave today to take a first step forward for you, just watch these cute baby animals standing for the first time and taking their first steps! I hope you find it inspiring – enjoy x
Lisa Skeffington, Anxiety Expert – Anxiety Help Bournemouth