From the Wobbles and Worries Mailbox…
“I love my best friend dearly but I’m tired of her constantly complaining about her job. When we meet up if the conversation gets to the subject of work she takes over the whole evening moaning about her job and her colleagues.
I do listen and try to give her advice of what I would do but it never does any good. I’m tired of listening to it every time I see her – nothing ever changes. Do you have any advice on how to handle this so I don’t damage our friendship?”
A summary of my advice…
It’s a good idea to generally assess your friendship and monitor how fulfilling and balanced they are. All sound friendship is pretty even in terms of ‘give and take’ and you need to be enjoying the benefit of your friend’s company also. You don’t want to damage your friendship and it sounds like you want to keep it, so you have to be firm here. Kindly suggest a ten or twenty minute timeframe for her to offload about her job. When time is up say so and change the subject, perhaps share some of your challenges and expect her to listen to you. Keep your meetings short for a while and once there has been a fair and even exchange of conversation, leave.
Sometimes people just get into the habit of complaining and doing nothing about it. You have allowed her to persist in this habit by listening. These are habits that need to change on both sides. You could perhaps talk to her as a trusty friend and point out that you notice that she has developed a habit of complaining about her work. She may not be so aware that she drones on about it as much as she does. You might like to introduce to her the principle of ACL – that is she can either ‘accept’ her situation, ‘change’ her situation or ‘leave’ her situation’ whichever way, there is no longer a valid excuse to moan. Instead it may encourage your friend to think more pragmatically about her situation rather than simply complaining with no action.
Good luck!
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From the Wobbles and Worries Mailbox…
“I’m secretly worried that I might be developing Alzheimer’s. I’m only 53 but it feels like I’m losing my mind. Things are very stressful for me at work and we’ve had a lot of emotion and worry with our son who recently moved to Australia. I walk into a room and forget why I’m there. I can’t remember appointments. I even forget when I’m in the shower if I’ve washed my hair already. I get confused if I’ve already used face moisturiser when I start to put on my morning make-up. Yesterday I left the oven on all night! I’m scared to see my doctor in case he tells me I have dementia. Do you think I have?”
A summary of my advice…
Periods of excess stress can cause short term memory confusion. At times there can seem as if there is so much going on in the mind that there is no capacity left to remember simple day to day tasks. From what you have said here, it sounds as if it is very likely that this is what is happening with you at the moment. I have helped many clients who have at times had the same worries so I can reassure that you are not alone in your worries about this. Worrying about it will only make it worse because you will create an expectation that your memory is failing and you will get more of what you focus on. My advice is to accept that your memory is poor at the moment. For your safety, write yourself a reminder list as you do things like putting the oven on so that you check off on the list when you turn it off.
I would suggest that you take steps to de-stress first and then notice how your memory is. Then if you are still concerned, talk to your GP who can help you with any further investigation if needed. All previous clients who have been worried about this found that when they took steps to reduce stress and anxiety, their memory function returned to normal.
Your son moving to Australia has understandably caused huge emotional distress for you. The bond of the umbilical cord although severed physically at birth, often remains invisibly v tied energetically and emotionally between a mother and her child. Imagine this invisible cord that bonds you both unravelling further out all the way to Australia so that you feel more connected to him despite the distance. With technology like Skype no-one is as far away these days and that can help you to stay in touch as you adjust to the change.
It might be worth considering asking your employer for a week or two off work due to stress (your GP can help you with this) so that you can get some proper rest and re-charge. It’s a good opportunity to look at what is causing so much stress for you in the workplace and to discuss with management or your team how you might offload some responsibility or re-structure daily activities.
You’ll find lots of self care options helpful in Episode 17 of Tuesday ChooseDay. Here’s the link https://lisaskeffington.com/a-simple-antidote-to-anxiety/
Be gentle with yourself. I hope this reassures you in the short term.
If you’d like my advice with your particular wobble or worry, simply click here
From the Wobbles and Worries Mailbox…
“My sister died two years ago, we were very close. I’m 42 now and I never knew until recently that I was adopted but always felt my mother never loved me as much as my sister. Now it makes sense. Mum had always been more distant with me, has always been critical of me and she rarely tells me she loves me. Since my sister died she has become even more distant – especially if I reach out to touch her, she pulls away. I feel very hurt and very alone. I just want to be closer to my mum at this time. How can I make her accept me?”
A summary of my advice…
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I sense you are still grieving for your sister and that your mum is too. Your mum is trying to come to terms with her loss and the thought perhaps of being close with you may well be emphasising the pain of her loss. Try not to take it personally – easier said than done I get that – but her distance is likely to be her way of trying to ease her pain. Some grief counselling would be helpful here in aiding your mum to work through her loss and to appreciate your love for her still very much in her life now.
Seeing your mum demonstrating her love through grief for your late sister is reflecting to you how you feel loved less by her and it is understandable that you want her to love you the same. Give your mum some space and time, if she wants it, to work through the process of grieving and surround yourself with friends who make you feel good about yourself. Allow yourself to grieve too – you have lost a formidable ally in life.
When the time feels right, you might wish to talk to your mum and let her know you feel shunned by her in case she is acting at times without thinking. You may have to come to terms though, with the possibility that your mum’s inadequacies in perspective may not change.
You say you feel loved less than your sister and you want your mum to accept you. I wonder did you perhaps feel that you lived in your sister’s shadow to some extent? That she was perhaps more worthy of love from your mum in her qualities or in her achievements? If this resonates with you, building your self-esteem will help you to feel less need for parental approval and more valued within yourself for the wonderful person I’m sure you are.
If you’d like my advice with your particular wobble or worry, simply click here
From the Wobbles and Worries Mailbox…
“When my six-year son was just a baby, I split with his dad. I recently re-married and my new husband is generally very loving and caring towards me and my son. At first my son seemed happy with his new ‘daddy’ and they seemed to get close but lately my son has become very difficult and defiant with him and causing arguments between us when they can’t get along.
I’m feeling distant and resenting my son causing these problems for me now that we have a chance of being a happy family but at the same time, I feel guilty that I am pushing my son away so I don’t upset things with my husband. Please help me to make sense of my feelings so that I don’t spoil our chance to be happy.”
A summary of my advice…
Since your son was a baby he didn’t have to share you with anyone but now you are re-married he is likely to be feeling insecure in the wider spread of your affections. He is little and isn’t deliberately trying to hurt or antagonise your husband. He’s just demonstrating his frustration as he adjusts to the change. Clear rules and boundaries along with warmth and understanding both from you and from his stepdad are exactly what he needs right now. Give him time to get used to things and lots of love, attention, praise and affection and he will become more accepting of the situation. It’s vital that you and your husband appear united in setting boundaries, at least in front of your son. If his actions cause you to argue, he may spot a means to attempt to secure your sole affection once again.
You say that you are being distant to your son and feeling guilty about that. I wonder are you perhaps finding it more of a challenge than you anticipated to divide your time and affection in wanting your new marriage to thrive and dealing with the demands of a six-year-old boy? Be gentle with yourself as you adjust to the new situation too. Talk to your husband about your feelings and try to develop some friendship and support with other young families, which will help you to keep perspective on the challenges of growing boys.
I hope this helps!
If you’d like my advice with your particular wobble or worry, simply click here